Memoirs Of The Toxic Office

I just want to officially inform everyone that I have deleted my posts on the BFH / BBFH - the worst ones of them anyway, if not all. I cant remember all that I have written on this subject.

Somehow those writings seem very emotional, unprofessional - now. So there are no more of these pix that I love so much then (me ala Jessica Alba was what I had written then of the second photo). I am going to let by-gone be by-gones (no, not turning over a new leaf. Not yet anyway).


Well, that's that. Just so you know.

ps - I suppose Delinn is going to put this under the header of baik-baik..

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Trying To Stay Quiet About It But Cant

I am ecstatically happy but anxious at the same time. My boss stopped by my desk early this morning and said that my transfer letter is actually sitting on the PD's table. I go like Masya'Allah, Alhamdulillah.

The talk about the career move has been going on for the past couple months or so; but with the school holidays and the problematic upgrade thrown into the equation, it has seem like forever.

The people executing the job had promised 1st Aug as the official transfer date; but takdir semua di tangan Allah. I have actually quietly cleared some stuff and taken them home / thrown some out; dont want to keep everything as last minute. But dont want to make noise about the whole thing at the same time.

My boss had said, Can you delay your transfer? and Do you have to go? and even, I can ask the PD to cancel the approval. I said No, Yes and Please dont. I felt humbled that she wants me to stay but quietly said no one is indispensible.

I told her I said to the PD that at certain time in life you feel like the time is right, the decision is right and that you just have to do it. And this feels exactly like an instant like that.

It could be a total mistake down the road, who knows? Let's be pragmatic about that.

The photo is like I'm heading for a clear, bright future on a straight path under the blue skies, like happy days in the horizon. Insya'Allah.

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A Non-Toxic Office Story

And life is a bit slow these days.

My BFH (whom I reluctantly call BFH these days anyway since I've turned over a new leaf, ha-ha, as if!) has moved one floor down and she is actually no longer my boss.

The new boss is a petite lady with a soprano voice; whom I suppose if she goes on her highest pitch, the windows would surely break. Other than that I dont know her that well to make any comments.

And Zah who had the cubicle next to mine has moved upstairs too. I didnt know I could miss her. But I do. We shared all the office gossips together. When I come early in the morning she'd already be at her desk and when I go home in the evening we'd leave together or more often than not she'd still be working on her laptop.

I once told her that when I think about dedication and commitment, I'd see her face.

So these days when I walk into the office in the morning there is nobody in the next cubicle. The new person who sits there comes in at a little bit before 9 and then asks if anybody wants to have breakfast with her. Duh..

This morning I came in before 730 and sat at my table in the dark. Well, it wasnt dark dark because there is light from the windows behind me. I quietly take my breakfast while blogging.

And anyway I hope this routine will not last much longer. I hope to move on to a new place; learn new things, get to know new people, new bosses. And I hope to maybe be more productive, more motivated. Insya'Allah.

ps - I wanted to put this under the label of The Toxic Office; but it didnt seem right as this is a post of the office on a positive note..

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Murhpy's Law?

And unfortunately this is about work too. Yes I know, again. However this is a post on work but with a different flavor.

It's like this. We are going through a series of system upgrade. There's a lot of methodology about it. Lots of school of thoughts. Lots of arguments. And definitely lots of testing and work.

We made through the development and QA testing with some (cough, cough, lots?) of hiccups. But we finally completed all tasks with the testing beautifully done (konon; hint : anything we are involved in would definitely be beautifully done).

Then came the crunch time - the upgrade of the prod server itself. We were told to treat the downtime like a normal system down time due to maybe electricity failure at the data center - which actually had happened a couple of times - despite the extensive DR process we had covered and massive plans for user notices. We abide by the instruction, siapa lah kita kalau dah bos kata tak payah kecoh-kecoh?

The d-day was last Fri. The system was schedule to be up at 8:00 am last Mon. Unfortunately today, close to midnite Thur, the system is still inaccessible by the users.

We were instructed to come in very early this morning for final verifiations before the system opens to the users. Unfortunately that didnt happen. Then we were told it'll be up at lunch. Didnt happen either. Maybe tonight at 10 or so. Zip. The last words are maybe tomorrow morning. Early.

I pray for the sakes of the Technical team that it will really be up tomorrow morning. Bukan apa, kesian kan budak2 yang teruk kerja pagi petang tak balik nak up kan jugak server tu. If we are restless about this, I have no doubt whatsoever their pain is thousand times over.

Remember Murphy's Law? Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Namun qada' & qadar semua nya di tangan Allah. Berdoalah.

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Look What Toxic From The Office Can Do To You..

I am still feeling somewhat under the weather from the incident with the BFH (do refer to previous post for clues on BFH).

Anyway.

I asked my husband if we should do groceries today. And we did, as soon as the store opens.

I think I need meat. Lots. Vege. Lots of that too. Fruits. Again, lots. Butter for the cakes I plan to bake. (More) Butter for breakfast. Cheese for grilled cheese sandwich. Cheddar for the caesar salad. Corn chips for some cheesy nachos. Sour cream for .. I dont know what recipe I've read actually, but I know I just need it.

Nescafe (Honey, we simply must get the big bottle). Milo. The large container too. Worcester sauce. For..? (Dont you dare ask, 'cause I dont quite know). Olive oil. Yeah, sure - why not?

Do you want to walk round the garden section? Honey, you might need this to rake the dry leaves. And that gardening hat would suit you.

Uh honey, I think I might need some mushrooms and chicken breasts for the puff fillings. And jicama and carrots for the popiahs.

Oh, look at those recliners! And let's do the DIY aisles too.

Honey, I need some cocoa powder too. I got an email from my sister that went on and on about drinking cocoa although I cant remember what are the benefits.

.............. and I must tell you that the total bill for the groceries this morning shot record high.

I am actually working on putting things with the BFH into its correct perspective. Window shopping (in this case at the grocery store) does help in a way. Dont you dare laugh because I know this for sure from previous personal experience.

But the moral of the story for the morning is, thank god for understanding spouses!

And ps, I dont know when I'll bake the cake, make the puffs, roll the popiahs, do the nachos..

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Ranting Like A ? (fill in the description at own will)

This week has been stressful - and it is only Wed! I thought it was Thur yesterday. And then wondered why did I think that.

Monday was packed - the first meeting started at 9:00am. I was trained never to do a meeting early Mon - all my life - .. and I often wonder why others do it. I was asked to do a presentation later in the morning and I didnt know what about either. Luckily it was something I did sometime back. There were hiccups - I had forgotten some of the things I had prepared.

And I was somewhat mad too on Mon - I found out I missed the deadline to submit my name to be eligible for the flexi office hours (@$%!&#!). I also met a guy I've known all my life (of course I exaggerate - seem like all my life is more accurate) - although I cant remember when was the last time I saw him. He seem to grow a few more white hair. He had also quietly slipped on his reading glasses (which was endearing, in a strange way). And I thought, we sure had come a long way baby - you and me both (dan ingatlah 7 perkara ...) I wish I could stay and chat, but the morning was surely berserk.

Tues was worse. Worked late too although I really wanted to leave early - it was a tuition night for Eirfan. Had a meeting earlier with some blur people (including me actually, ha-ha) which didnt help matters a bit. Luckily people I work with are cooperative and helpful and we had managed to conclude the design that had been giving me a headache.

I think I am in a mess because I was on leave late last week so I am somewhat at a loss.

And as usual, traffic was terrible (worse than terrible actually). Benci tengok orang kluar rumah lambat tapi sampai ofis on time (I would love to go up to them and say Aku Benci Kamu! Buat drama Indon gitu. LOL). Although this morning was quite tolerable. I wonder if there is any other route I can try.. Anyway.

This morning I saw a girl with lips like Angelina Jolie although she didnt look sexy like the star (the lips, I mean - not with (without?) the clothes etc you know..) And I discovered my gorgeous Anuar Zain CD with my best of the best fave song is at its life end - main lagu tersekat-sekat. Eirfan would be glad - he always put his hands over his ears when I do my sing-along with Anuar (I am sure I am not that bad). And the other Anuar CD is gone - must one of the boys. I told them again and again not to touch my CDs.

That's my half-week report. I am leaving the office now! Tapi nak pergi ambik wajik kat Zana dulu.. (Actually I hear sniffles from somewhere, I am sure somebody is sobbing. I guess I have to go check & maybe report back here on that. Maybe it is not going to be an early evening after all..)

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The Office Today

I had the pleasure (yes pleasure, not pressure..) to sit in an interview where my anak buah were being interviewed. It was the interview for a special allowance.

The way that they answered the questions made me feel so proud. Preening gitu. Like a mother hen (is that a correct analogy?) Like Jennifer Aniston when she said 'Oh, I am going to cry..' LOL


Over the many, many, MANY years of working there are people I hate losing working with. Some you just cant wait to get away from (or for them to get away from you). Peers you just cant understand and peers you'd miss forever. Some bosses you just cant come to terms with (I can name at least one from the top of my head), bosses you just adore (at least two and I wish them all the happiness, rahmat, health for now and for eternity..).

Kata dek Dr Kamil tu, kalau kita muliakan seseorang, tentunya Allah akan balaskan kebaikan itu pula.

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Uncompromisingly Moody

I am like in a trance period - I feel like I am hanging somewhere in mid-air and things pass me by without really touching me. I see them but I am not feeling anything. Almost as if like I have cotton wool in my head.

I lost my temper yesterday. I displayed my infamous tantrum to the girl who came to get my signature for her transport. She must have hated my guts - she left the office on time; which is not quite her. Earlier at lunch I met a guy in the foyer, whom I havent seen for quite some time. He said he manages stress by passing it around to his colleagues - I guess that was what I was doing.

I suppose it is the end of the year thing..

Hey, my previous boss would rant and rave when he found something he didnt like on our transport form. After more than enough lecture THEN will he scratch his name at the dotted line. And the current boss would put a BIG question mark when she sees something she didnt like. I am not even half as bad.

Today I think I have my "I am not a friendly person" face on. God help me. And I wish everyone good luck too.

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In Search Of Perfection - Too Foolish, Too Brave ?

So I am taking .. hmm.. 10 minutes (?) break to update this a bit while I munch on my egg mcmuffin..

I was reading my fave mag the other day when I came across an article on "your idea of a perfect day".

I wondered and mulled over my own version of a perfect day. I havent gone too far on that actually. But I've already jumped ahead (far too much ahead I would guess) and thought about the perfect life, perfect me, perfect house, perfect job..

And that's where this got me into trouble..

Whilst talking about THE perfect job, I have no doubt whatsoever this one I'm doing right now is not it.

So when I was asked to put whose name in what box on the new org chart I decided not to put my name anywhere on the piece of paper. Friends said, we dont think you are doing the right thing. My boss asked are you sure? I told them I am looking for the perfect job. At which they all chorussed, "dont we all?" or "does that concept even exist?"

I made a few calls. And so this morning I told my boss that I have made up my mind and that I dont want my name to appear in any of the boxes (I sincerely hope this is a right decision Insya'Allah).

I am thinking of pepatah melayu berakit-rakit ke hulu etc etc. Or maybe this is the case of the thinnest line between being brave and being foolish (?) Or even the pengebom berani mati, who for whatever intentions made foolish / brave / wise (?) sacrifices in search of betterments..

Wish me well please.

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Playing A Concerto

When I am in a crazy mood or a blues mood or feeling-lonely mood or etc I would occassionally tune to the classical music on the radio or astro. Unfortunately the dj never did mention what the song titles are or who the are the composer or the orchestra that's playing. So I am none the wiser about the classicals.

And I had a classmate from the Latin America once and during class introduction he said his favorite songs are by Wagner. We all chorused, who?? We can barely say Mozart or Bach or Beethoven - back then the only Wagner I knew was Lindsay Wagner.. you know the uh, Bionic Woman..?

Anyway.

Today / Yesterday (it makes not much difference) it crossed my mind that the boss is something akin to the composer of an orchestra. He will orchestrate the performance of all his men. Bad his orchestration, bad will the performance be and vice versa. And I suppose that's why much credit is given to the composer - the ability to harmonise all pieces of the instruments into a melodious tune; not a cacophony.

Unfortunately the same desired effect is not apparent in my office. The hall is packed with so-called musicians and the conductor is frantically waving his stick in all and every direction (oh look, did he drop his stick?) All the musicians are trying their best to follow suit but getting the wrong signals and at the end of the day we'd all say, what the hell??

So I am asking (to no one in particular actually) what is the tune that the boss is actually playing? Please compose it well so I might be able to strum my guitar / beat the drum / blow the sax / play the piano to that particular tune. Otherwise I might get on with the music in tandem with my own tune..

Maybe I should share this bulb of light with the boss.. (as if..)

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Baffled, Frustrated, Redha

I was told I was being honest at the wrong time and the wrong place. I dont understand at all how being honest could be wrong at any time, any place. Do you?

I am actually venting my frustration because I was told I failed the interview because I was - you guessed it - being honest!

My interviewers should have seen that as a virtue and if they dont, I dont think I should work with them anyway.. (and work where I am now..? Allah help me please!)

Furthermore, they shouldnt see that as a weakness and in fact together with my other strengths viewed me as the most suitable candidate! But if it was not meant to be, then it is not meant to be. That's all there is to it.

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Never A Joyful Occassion

So I discovered (re-discover would be more correct) how much I dislike interviews..

You would talk too much or maybe not expand your points enough. You fret over it while waiting to be called and you worried you made a blunder out of it when you are finished.

And at the end of the day, no matter how careful you try to be you knew you said too little at a certain point. Too much when you shouldnt. Wasnt courteous enough. Wasnt assertive enough. Was too casual. Was too uptight. Didnt prepare enough and yet, what is there to prepare?

So yeah, I hate interviews.

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Definitely Gotten Carried Away

My son came back after completing his short semester (something like summer semester) yesterday. When asked how the whole semester went he gave an exaggerated sigh of relief and said, I am ready for the change in next semester.

His answer made me think that wouldnt it be nice if work life comes in semesters / packages like school too? We do everything for a few months and once that time frame is over, we'll give a sigh of relief (or regret if the boss deserves it..) and then get a new boss the next semester. So we dont have to eat, live and breath (so to speak) the same boss years after years.

And we wouldnt feel like we are being manipulated, dominated, constrained, oppressed, limited, dictated, restricted, controlled (err.. I am getting carried away dont you think..?) by the boss at any time..

This is most definitely a posting under 'The Toxic Office' category.

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When Has Work Been A Bed Of Roses Anyway?

I wondered when has working life seem so unappealing.

I comfort myself by thinking that I've never been so unmotivated like this. I've always been positive about work. Simply, this is just not the normal me.

Maybe it is the boss. Maybe it is the traffic that gets worse by the day. Maybe it is age or .. or (there could be many endless lists of possibilities).

Terasa macam meroyan semacam memikirkan kerja ni. It could be a premenopause thing you know.. kuang.. kuang.. But according to my sisters, and I trust them (after all they do have the personal experience; ha-ha), it is too early for that.

But I conclude that maybe because my career was decided by an 18 year old like 20 or so years ago.. So, how suitable could that choice be? I need a counsellor, I think. Volunteers, please.

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Is It Just Emotions?

I am going to put up (more) grouses about traffic today.

It took me about an hour to get through Setiawangsa which is actually only about well, 6 or 7 km from home. And it took me close to 2 hours to get to the office and I am not even sending Iman to Bukit Bintang today.

Once I got to IJN I drove like a maniac. I change lanes haphazardly in front of other cars and I thought I was fast when passing through Parliament. A quick glance at the speedometer confirmed I was going fast. But in a way it was liberating.

And of course I had to pay for the parking. I thought about quitting work while turning on my laptop. I talked about quitting work at breakfast and later also while standing at the water cooler.. And maybe I should bring up the subject (again) at dinner tonite..

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Penantian (Memang) Satu Siksa..

Actually I am in the office - blogging whilst waiting for the production server to recover from an electricity failure this afternoon. The whole data center is down..

And to make matter even worse, tomorrow is the d-day for cutover. Ha-ha.. (a cynical laugh, really - at this stage nothing seem funny anymore) could anything be even worse than this? (Come to think of it yes, really - ie when you made a design error and you are just waiting for the axe to fall onto your neck - and that has happenned many, many times.. )

We are sitting in the office twiddling out thumbs now. . earlier it was promised the system will be up at 9pm then they changed it to 11 then 12 and now 1am. Let's face it, it could be at anytime..

Apa tu Desiree nyanyi - life, oh life, oh life..

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Building A Character

"It's not in the still calm of life, or the repose of a pacific station that great characters are formed. The habits of a vigorous mind are formed in contending with difficulties."

I first found this on the net somewhere and co-incidentily a friend was facing much difficulty at work at that time. I sent this to her - to give some encouragement somewhat.

Now, these days, I am facing much challenges at work and when I read the same words again I thought yeah well, very nice.. but when you are faced with problems, you just want them to go away quickly and you just dont care that the same issues might make you a better character.

You just simply want the whole thing absolved. Immediately. Even better if the boss doesnt know about it and then come avenging down on you..

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Humbled

Scene 1
I visited a peer in one of the offices in KL. His office is located in a shabby building - cracked walls and peeling paints and pot holes in the yard and well - just plain old. His desk is not much better - cluttered with forms to be approved, reports, and stacks and stacks of papers.

I thought the visit would last about 30 minutes or so - he only need to verify like 15 rows of information with about the same number of columns.. or so I thought - he verified every cell on the sheet. Any column that he is not sure about he referred to the papers that are on his desk. He even went to his car to get a manual (which coincidently dated 2001) to cross-ref the columns he is not sure about - and also made a looong phone call to validate his assumptions.

I left his office after spending 3 hours in there. I also left humbled. I discovered the guy who doesnt seem to fit in the corporate-savvy image worked really hard and seriously and honestly for the corporate.

Scene 2
A couple of us were sitting in a small and cramped office on a visit to see the users the other day - they had some problems with their transactions. There is no way anyone can move from their tables to the PC and file cabinet without passing in front of us. There was a TA who is older than all of us who moves to and fro the PC and his table - and everytime he passed he would bent a bit like we would do if we walked in front of our mum or makciks.

I was touched, I thought I should do that - not him. And humbled I was.

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The Mules That Made My Day

The discussion is in the morning and none of the SIs were in the office except one - who told me oh, I cant attend that as I am instructed not to do that anymore by the honcho SI himself. @&**%!! (like I care..?) How can I go tothe meeting when the R.I.C.E. list is not firmed up by the SIs? Those @#$*&^ SIs!

Then my boss told me my leave application is not approved as the office cant be left empty - hallo, everybody's dying to take leave as we all cant remember when was the last time any of us did as it has been freezed (frozed?) since no one remembers when! @#$%^&!! Afterall, it is going to be a long holiday. But darn the bosses - & fine! I'll work on Mon - it's not a big deal! It's not like I have a wedding to attend that Mon anyway. Eirfan's got school anyway.

The discussions today went on and on. Although I plan to leave on the dot at 5, yet another discussion was called at 4:40 and lasted through 8. The office was very quiet by then - it is Fri after all, and a Fri before a long week-end, to boot -

It was yet another stressful day - but my brand new mules saved the day. The girls oohed and aahed over the green pretty bling-bling mules (that's what Marks&Spencer called them). And that really, really made my day. (yeah, I am so vain - kena istighfar banyak2 - hanya Allah yang layak puji-pujian ni).

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I Am A Perfectionist!

That's what somebody told us the other day. I dont know.. but personally I beg to differ.

Anyway, at one instance the statement sounded like an excuse for extreme behaviour like shouting and throwing temper tantrums. Looking at another angle, it was almost like an apology - an off-handed one for sure..

Or... maybe it was a conceited statement for self pride?

Nevertheless, announcing myself a perfectionist is definitely a great excuse that I could apply in tight situations in future..

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